Never Give Up - A Mother's Story

If there’s a message I want to pass on to families new in recovery, it’s that ‘It’s never too late! There’s always HOPE and not to give up.” My journey is a testament to that.

My daughter and I came to CS when she was 17.  I had already been involved with her in recovery for several years and was tired and fed-up.  I had spent all this energy and money and she wasn’t getting it- she wasn’t staying sober.  I was fearful for her life and thought at 17, it was my last chance to commit her to treatment (again!).  The truth was I also wasn’t getting it and needed to embrace change. We both found help in CS.

I find it ironic that my daughter first began experimenting with drugs just as I became sober. She was 12 and entering puberty and it seemed like suddenly her attitudes and priorities changed. Phone time went up and grades went down. Things started changing fast and not for the better. She became easily enraged and was often disrespectful to my husband and I. Calls from school became more frequent and more disturbing. At first it was grades dropping and homework assignments not turned in. Soon it became tardiness, fights, arguing with teachers, smoking and skipping class. I got to know the principal really well.

At the time, I didn’t know that the underlying cause of the change was drugs. My husband was disabled and we had recently separated. I thought the changes in my daughter were due to puberty, the separation and his sickness. That all changed when she was caught selling weed at school. I took her to counseling and she was removed to the alternative school. It was the beginning of drug education classes, court appearances, fines and community service. In my newfound sobriety, I tightened my grip on her. It had taken me so long to become sober that I was deathly afraid of her heading down the same path. I thought this would help ‘get her back on track’ but the truth was it was just ‘Round 1’ and she was 13.

Things got worse. She rebelled and began running away. I can’t describe how scary it is to not know where your 13-year-old daughter is. I was a basket case trying to find her. I called everyone I could think of to help find her. I even put up ‘missing person’ signs in my neighborhood. I became quite the detective but didn’t solve anything. All alone in the middle of the night, this was the moment when I surrendered and began to realize I could not do this alone. About the only thing that was keeping me sane was that I kept attending AA meetings (no matter what)- but realized I needed the help of other parents who had faced similar challenges. I tracked my daughter down, had the cops pick her up and take her to treatment.

When she got out, we began attending PDAP meetings: her to the teen meetings and me to the parent meetings. I found hope there even though I still didn’t have a clue. I heard things in the meetings that told me I needed to parent differently but didn’t really embrace change in myself. I wanted them to ‘fix’ my daughter not me—she was the problem.

She didn’t stay sober. In fact, the stakes got higher. Now 14 years old, she continued to run away and for longer periods. She was raped, got pregnant and became involved with an older guy. All my worst fears that I tried so desperately to protect her from were being realized. Then came a nightmare summer when my husband died and she was not there. She came home when I put the word out that her family needed her. Three weeks later, my mother-in-law passed as well. My family was disintegrating and I was a mess.

Somehow, I kept going to recovery meetings-AA, PDAP and now Alanon too. I don’t know how. It was the one place where I found strength and sanity. My recovery friends surrounded me with support and I realized I was no longer alone. I began to trust in a HP and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Things started changing or maybe it was the beginning of me changing. The older guy made the mistake of sneaking into my home during the night. I found him in my daughter’s bed. I pressed charges and called a parent in recovery. My daughter came home high one afternoon and I called her on it. Two hours later, she showed up again in a squad car and soon went on probation for marijuana possession. I called a parent in recovery and went to a meeting. She violated probation and went to jail. I went to a meeting and prayed. She was court ordered into treatment. I kept going to meetings and realized I didn’t want to live this way anymore.

Things were quiet for a time while she was in treatment. When she got out, there was much to do to fulfill the probation requirements and she stayed sober on the fear of TYC for a time. I continued to take her to meetings, functions, counseling and even found a sober school. One thing I realized about myself was that I could summon the strength to take action in a crisis but hadn’t embraced the day-to-day change needed to parent an addict. When she relapsed, I fell into despair. That’s when a friend told me about CS—not a moment too soon.

I had my daughter committed to treatment and met with the CS counselor. He offered hope if she was willing and she agreed to give OP a try. My first impression of CS was that it was more of the same—more meetings, more counseling, more money etc. What was going to be different this time? Somehow I managed to summon the strength to try again…and learned my impressions were way off. There was so much energy. There’s a reason why they call it ‘an early, enthusiastic, recovery program!” This was not like anything I had participated in before. It was better. Way better.

The groups pulled us both in right from the start. My daughter’s days immediately became filled with going to meetings, OP, hanging out at satellite and going to functions with other sober teens.  She learned about honesty, being accountable and sticking with winners. She got a sponsor and began working the 12 steps.

In the meantime, I went to the parent meetings. I was blown away by the honesty of the parents sharing in meetings and how generously they were willing to share their experience with me afterwards. I learned so much from them. I couldn’t believe how relaxed, joyful and strong they were. Surely they had not been through what I had—wrong again! Many had suffered more than me and yet they were smiling. Wow! I wanted what they had. They’re enthusiasm began to rub off and I began to feel hopeful. I started to follow their suggestions…stuff like: going to Climbers, establishing Shots & Boundaries in my home and getting a sponsor. And with each baby step I took in embracing change, they encouraged me—even when I made mistakes.

At the counselor’s recommendation, my daughter went to stay with another CS family. This family was further along in recovery and had a lot of experience to offer. What a blessing! Our family had been operating in crisis for so long, it had become a habit. The change allowed us the chance to learn how to interact in a more healthy way. For once, I was beginning to realize what I brought to the equation and how I could do things differently i.e. it wasn’t all her fault!  I started to see where I had been inconsistent in my parenting, was making decisions out of convenience, was not holding my daughter accountable and was accepting disrespectful behavior as OK. That all had to change.

And it did. My daughter relapsed. For once my motivation to change was not driven by fear (although it was pretty scary). I was able to tell her, “I love you but I can’t support you in this decision.” I was able to ask for help and support and not follow her into despair. For once I accepted that I would always be the parent of an addict and getting out-of-the-way and allowing her to feel the full impact of her choice was the most loving thing I could do for her. All this I learned in CS.

Looking back, it’s so amazing how the group works. The teens and counselors helped my daughter while the parents helped me. We both learned tools to do things differently and then began to apply it to our relationship. Now it’s three years later. There have been many meetings, many functions, two wilderness trips, two Step Studies, several retreats…and several relapses. My daughter is not sober today as I write this and she doesn’t live with me. She is 20 now and knows that I love her and I know she loves me.  We talk regularly and it’s never disrespectful. I still have fears for her well-being but I’m no longer trying to control her life and shield her from it. She is making choices and learning from them. I am able to be happy (and sane!) despite her choices. We both agree that we wish we had found CS earlier in recovery and embraced the principles sooner. I trust that what we both learned here is instilled in our guts forever and am very grateful for it. What do ‘the promises’ say? “…sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. (Well, I’m slowly! But...) They will always materialize if we work for them.” If I can find peace and joy in recovery, anyone can. Don’t give up!

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