I Didn't Think He was Ready - A Mother's Story

My purpose in attending my first Cornerstone meeting was to learn how to parent my fourteen year old drug addict son.  I did not bring him with me because I did not think he was ready to seek recovery.  It had been obvious to me that he had a drug (including alcohol) problem since he was twelve years old.  While I had made many failed attempts  to protect him from drug use (e.g. boarding school), I thought he had not used mind altering chemicals long enough to know he was powerless.  I thought he would not be able to engage in the recovery process.  I now have a different viewpoint.  Today, I believe that waiting to help a teenager with the disease of addiction, until they are ready to ask for help, is like waiting to help an elder with Alzheimer’s disease, until they are ready to ask for help.  

In actuality, I had not gone to my first meeting too soon.  Between my first and second meetings, I discovered my son was doing more drugs than I had thought.  He ran away from home.  The parents in the program gave me the support I needed to get through that horrible time, especially the days I did not know whether he was dead or alive.   Looking back, his running away was a blessing.  It enabled me to see how serious his drug use had become, motivated me to develop relationships with the other parents in the program, and brought about a unity of perspective between his father (from whom I am divorced) and myself.

I am an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I achieved ten years of sobriety between my first and second Cornerstone meetings.  In my second meeting, while sharing about my panic and sadness over my son’s drug use and running away, I mentioned my ten year anniversary.  I was amazed at the response.  The other parents congratulated me in a manner that demonstrated that they did not just accept me in spite of being an addict, they liked me better because of my disease!  The acceptance I have found, from the people in the Cornerstone program, as a person with a “history” has been a catalyst that has enabled me to find self-acceptance and live a more authentic life.

As a teen, I was a psychotic drug addict.  Though the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, psychotherapy, religious experiences (Christian), and, more recently, the program and fellowship of Cornerstone Recovery; I have recovered from serious mental health problems and addiction to numerous drugs, including alcohol.  Of, course, my recovery depends on my continuing to do on a daily basis those things that enable me to stay recovered, like working the twelve steps.  At times I have actually been envious of the teens in the program.  They have an opportunity to lead a life of recovery and will not have to go through or inflict emotional pain to the extent that I did.  Many times I have reflected on what a wonderful opportunity our teenagers have to live sober and happy lives.  It is a privilege to participate in 12-step meetings with our teens.

While I have enjoyed the support from the parents from my first meeting, I did not instantly change my ways of thinking and parenting.  Embracing the program came a little at a time, as I learned from my mistakes.   One of my first mistakes was in disregarding the Cornerstone second step as applies to my son.  In the second step states we need to “Stick with Winners”.   Instead of encouraging my son to associate only with other teens in recovery, I encouraged him to invite his using friends into our home and to go to meetings with him.  I thought this would encourage him to stay in Cornerstone and lead his friends to sobriety.  I did this in spite of advice from counselors, other parents, and even the kids.  Needless to say, my son did not get sober while he continued to “hang” with his using friends.  After he had lived with another Cornerstone family, my son firmly told me he was choosing to not associate with his using friends.  He also told me that he wanted my support in working his second step.  Finally, I was able to understand the importance of positive peer pressure.

In Cornerstone, I have been learning that as I attempt to live a more spiritual life, my mistakes can be vehicles for personal growth, instead of experiences that keep me trapped in shame.   I have also been learning that making a mistake as a parent in the past does not justify being a poor parent today.  For the first several months after going to Cornerstone meetings, my son was continuing to use drugs and get drunk.  Just about everyone else in Cornerstone was aware of this, except for me.  His drug use at this point should have been clear to me but as a testament to my denial, I was not aware.  When my son is high or drunk, he can be physically aggressive.   The counselors and other parents were encouraging me to ask Eric to find another Cornerstone home to temporarily live.  I thought that I could not do this because, if I had been a better parent, he would not act in a violent manner, so it is not right for me to punish him.  I shared my dilemma with a pastor at my church.  He shared with me that making mistakes does not make me a bad parent.  He pointed out that by joining the Cornerstone program I was working on what was best for my son.  He helped me to see that even when I have a part in my son’s bad behavior, he still needs my discipline to help him grow.  The next night, at Climbers (parent therapy group), Kirk Campbell, Program Director, gave me the same message in different words. 

It was also suggested that the next time my son is physically aggressive, I should call the police.  Up until this point, I had thought that it was my job, as a parent, to keep him out of jail.  Finally, I was able to tell my son that a requirement for living in my home is abstaining from violence and threats of violence.  I told him that the next time he was physically aggressive or threatened violence, I would call the police.  That same night he was unable to meet this requirement for living in my home.  I called the police, who were willing to arrest him.  He was given the choice to live with another family in the program.  He chose to live with the other Cornerstone family.  Within a day or so, he started the Out Patient program.  From that point on, he has wanted to be sober and live what Cornerstone has to teach him.  Also from that point on, I have been trying to provide consequences for his behavior with regard to the principals of the program and what I think is appropriate, instead of my old ideas and feelings.

In order for my son to go to the Outpatient program, I had to take him out of school.  This was a very difficult step for me.  At the time, I had begun classes toward getting a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology.  One of my professors had a background in Educational Psychology.  I asked if I could get her professional opinion on whether I should keep my son  in school or put him in Outpatient.  After telling her a little about what was happening with my son and in our home, she pointed out that a teen that is drunk or high, has emotional difficulties, and is experiencing conflict at home is unlikely to successfully learn in a school environment.

During the ten months my son was in the Cornerstone Recovery Outpatient program, he made several significant changes.  He has since chosen to be sober and after one early relapse, has maintained more than two and half years of continuous sobriety.  Where before he was mostly dishonest, he consistently tells the truth and maintains a high level of integrity.  He had been depressed.  Although he still needs more self-esteem, he has gained self-confidence and is usually happy.

Since the night I invited the police to help him stop his aggressiveness and I demonstrated that I will not tolerate violence in my home, my son has not been violent or threatened to be violent.  It took a little longer for me to make the changes necessary for our home to be a sanctuary in which we treat each other with mutual respect.  I discovered that I had been unknowingly teaching my son to pressure me into giving him what he wanted.  When I did not give into his requests, my son would pressure me in an increasingly harsh manner until I would finally give in.  One night in a Climber’s Kirk asked me why my son did this.  I then realized that he did this because it worked.  I have found that since I consistently do not give into my son’s demands, he no longer makes them.

Before my son moved back into my home the first time, I wrote our shots and boundaries (house rules).  I shared them with Eric before he came back home and posted them on the refrigerator.  One of the house rules is about treating each other in a respectful manner.  When Eric was disrespectful, I would confiscate his cell phone, except when I was driving, in which case I let him out of the car, so he could walk home.  As a result of a few simple changes in my behavior, Eric treats me with kindness and respect.

I found that I had a distorted view of our family conflict.  After Eric had gone several months of being consistently respectful, I realized that at times my temper was out of control.  I came to realize that for the same behavior in Eric that I would characterize as disrespectful, yelling, and/or aggressive; for myself I would call “parenting” or ‘fussing”.  It has been hard holding myself to the same standard of respect and courteously toward my child that I had come to expect from him.  I have found it helpful to do the following, when I communicate in a less than courteous manner with my son: inventory my underlying issues, pray, talk with an individual (e.g. sponsor) about the situation, and finally, share about it in a meeting. 

There is another set of actions on my part that needed to change.  That is doing for him the things my son should have been doing for himself.  I would take care of the things that he should be doing for himself, such as straighten his room, wash his clothes, and put his backpack in order.  At some level I was aware that it damaged his self-esteem to do these things for him and I was ashamed of what I had been doing.  However, I found that doing these mommy things were pleasant and relived my anxiety.  I was able to let him take care of himself, after I revealed to my sponsor what I had been doing.  My sponsor’s acceptance and understanding of me the way I am, enabled me to stop treating my son as an incompetent person and respect him, by letting him take care of his own things.  For months had to stay out of his room, to avoid the temptation of taking care of his things.  Today, I no longer have the compulsion to “baby” my boy.

Being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was familiar with working a twelve step program.  I found that I needed my sponsor to learn how to apply the steps in my relationships with my son.  In particular, I have been learning to apply the AA third step in my parenting.  My son is a separate person from me.  While I can contribute to his well-being by being a loving and strong parent, ultimately the big stuff in his life (like sobriety, integrity, spirituality) is based on his choice.  I can implement consequences that make it more likely he will make good choices; however, I can not make him choose.  I am also better able to inventory my actions.  Today, as part of my daily eleventh step prayer time, I ask God to help me be the mother he wants me to be, instead of telling him how he needs to change my son.

After graduating from Out Patient, my son asked to not return to our local public high school.  He stated that he was uneasy about being in a drug filled environment for more than a few days.  He requested that he do a distance learning high school program.  At this point, he has completed his freshman and almost completed his sophomore school years with this program.  A few months ago, he began to not get his school work completed.  I have explained to him that at his age (17), the reason that I provide for him financially (clothes, housing, food, etc) is so he can be busy preparing himself to launch into adulthood.  I have shared that if he is not busy with his preparations, I really should not be providing for him financially.  He will always have my emotional support.  He should only have the financial support that benefits him.  Several times over the last few months he has not met the requirement that he be actively perusing his education and has lived temporarily with other Cornerstone families.  It has not been as hard for me to ask him to live with another family, because I have learned to trust the discipline process and the Cornerstone Recovery community.

I have been loved and accepted by the other parents in the Cornerstone program, even while being my authentic self and sharing experiences about which I felt ashamed.  The love and acceptance I have found in these friendships have enabled me to better love and accept myself.  As time has passed, I have been able to give that same love and acceptance to other parents in the program.  Acts of kindness and service have enabled me to gain self-esteem.

It has not been only the other parents that have enabled me to grow emotionally and spiritually.  The Cornerstone Recovery teens have given me joy and self-understanding.  Being a part of the teens’ recovery as been a significant part of my own recovery.  Watching teens become sober, honest, and kind people who are developing their spirituality and self-esteem has been enormously gratifying.  Maybe the greatest privilege has been the times I have been able to observe the transformation up close, in my home and even been a part of the process.  Loving kids who are just like I was, when I thought I was so unlovable, has helped me to know that I have actually always been loveable.

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